1. Ditch the joint property. Remove the old things that you bought as a couple and own the place. Change the interior design according to your new self. Make it more attractive and lively.
2. Keep only what you will use. When dividing property, if you think you are going to remain in the marital home, don’t take things that you really won’t use.
3. Get some color. Spend time to research on what style your new space will look like. Explore different colors and ideas. Craft your space according to your personality this time. Change the colors of your rooms. Color can influence mood, and find some colors that go with your stuff and make you happy. If you have kids, consider leaving their rooms alone, and if you are going to paint or move things around, make sure to talk to them first and get their opinions!
4. Splurge on bedding. Throw out the bedding from the master bedroom and buy new bedding. Just do it.
5. Mix up your furniture.  Re-arrange your furniture so they layout is new and fresh.
6. De-clutter and organize. This is a great opportunity to de-clutter and eliminate stress.
7. Change your art. If you can afford to, pick an artistic style that is uniquely yours and purchase art. It helps.
8. Get good lighting. Lighting has a big effect on mood, and new lamps or brighter lights can really help.
9. Change the location of your collectibles. You can place your collectibles anywhere you want them to be. Have that special piece that your spouse hated and buried in the closet? Bring it out and be proud!
10. Purge your photographs. If you don’t have kids, change your photos to remove pictures of your ex, and bring out your family and childhood pictures. If you have kids, it is a good idea to have a picture of your ex and the kids somewhere in the house to send a message to the kids that you and the ex co-operate.

Is your spouse in the situation of saying “I don’t”? Like “I don’t want to be with you anymore”, “I don’t love you anymore”. In facing a divorce, you may be tempted to do things out of anger, distress, or frustration that you may regret in the future. The following 8 tips can help you through a difficult time to a better place.

1. Don’t be a loner. Isolating yourself will just make you feel sad and you’re giving yourself more time to pity yourself. Surround yourself with loving people because positive vibes will help you regain joy. Especially when it’s a holiday, don’t be alone. Try to be with friends or family.
2. Don’t start bad habits. Now’s not the time to drink more or start other bad habits. Treat yourself. Go to a parlor, gym, restaurant, or the mall. Make yourself important. This is the time to prove your spouse that it’s not your lost if they want a divorce. Take care of yourself.
3. Don’t jump into a new relationship. When you’re ending your marriage, you are in a state where in any opposite sex that can comfort you will be a candidate to be your center of attention. You may just mistake it for love but it’s not. Avoid a rebound relationship. Allow yourself to heal and grow. Don’t be pressured by your friends. You alone can tell when you are ready for a new relationship.
4. Don’t let your ex’ belongings stay in your place and vice versa. It will only make you remember the pain when you see things that belong to him or her. Make sure nothing will be left behind when he or she moves out. This way it is easier to move on.
5. Don’t keep on blaming. Stop blaming yourself or anybody about what happened. This is your destiny. You will soon get over it. And you will find out the answers to all your questions as to “why” when the right time comes. Don’t let your self esteem suffer. Pick up the pieces and stand up.
6. Don’t assume and don’t expect. Don’t assume the judge will be in favor of you because life is full of unexpected things. A divorce can be with surprises sometimes. Just be open and ready to whatever the decision will be. Take life as it comes.
7. Don’t avoid communicating with your ex. This is okay if your ex was not abusive; but if not, you should try to be civil for the sake of your kids. If there is need to talk about your divorce or marriage then just listen and talk with respect.
8. Don’t be bitter for so long. You may feel angry towards your ex but you can’t be like that for the rest of your life. It will not do you any good. Just think, he or she was once a part of your life and you had some good times together. Give yourself a time to bring out all the pain and then stop. Past is past, you should look forward. Let go.

1. Put your child’s welfare first.   Put meeting your kid’s  emotional needs first over yours.  Make sure that, as much as possible, they have an opportunity to develop normally under the circumstances.
2. It takes two to parent.  Absent unusual circumstances,  contact with both parents is necessary and beneficial to your child’s emotional development and welfare.
3. Be supportive of the other parent with your kids. Time spent with your children should be pleasant for the children, and for both parents. You should help your children maintain a positive relationship with each parent. Don’t act in a way when you have the children that would damage the other parent’s relationship with them.
4. Be consistent and communicate. Keep to your schedule and inform the other parent when you cannot keep an appointment. The children may view the failure to keep a commitment to be with them as rejection.
5. Be flexible. Despite of what I said in #4 above, you may need to adjust the scheduled time with your children occasionally according to their age, health, and interests.

These guidelines won’t solve every problem that arises, but if more parents followed them, family law lawyers would have less work.  In the event of a disagreement with the other parent, thinking about this list before you act will likely help your kids.

1. Flexibility and Availability: If you are in a time zone 17 hours from Pacific Standard Time, you need a lawyer who’s available on your schedule and can handle international communication. Is your lawyer willing to “meet” with you after or before normal US business hours to accommodate your schedule? When we represent international clients, we start a google clock that shows the local time with the client’s name so we know where our clients are in their workday in their local time.
2. Technological Competence: How is your lawyer going to communicate with you? Many law offices are still dinosaurs in the digital world and have not adopted scanning and electronic communication. To speed communication, we scan all incoming documents and correspondence, and communication by email is preferred.  How are you going to communicate if you need to talk and the phone isn’t enough? To accommodate clients, we are set up to Skype and video conference.  How are you going to exchange large packages of documents (like discovery) that may not fit as a attachment to an email? We maintain a user friendly FTP account to send and receive large files to clients.  Being tech savvy matters.
3. Professionalism: Finding a professional lawyer is critical, especially if you don’t have the opportunity to establish rapport by a face to face meeting at the beginning of the case.  Has the lawyer or firm embraced a statement of professionalism? (We have).  Are there reviews online about the lawyer so you know what it is like to work with them? Our lawyers use tools like  AVVO (Dan Margolin, Sean Stephens) to communicate to clients what it is like to work with us when they can’t meet us face to face.
4. Responsiveness: Deadlines come and go quickly, especially across timezones. Negotiations are time sensitive. If you are out of state, you need to know that your call will be taken and that your email will be responded to. Ask the lawyer about how responsive they are.
5. Experience With Expat Cases: Does the lawyer of firm have experience in representing out of state clients, or are you the first “experiment” for them? Is the staff accustom to working with different time zones and cultures? With our technology,  have structured our office to make the client’s location irrelevant in providing exceptional legal services. Ask your lawyer if they have handled many Oregon divorce  cases for expats and out of state clients.

The lawyers at Stephens Margolin PC have extensive experience in representing clients who live out of State and abroad in divorce and family law matters.

1. Know your parenting plan. I am always surprised by how many parents don’t know what the plan says or have a copy handy.  If you don’t have a copy of yours, get one and save it.
2. Follow the parenting plan.  Parenting plans are orders of the court. If you have a problem with the plan, seek to modify it rather than disregard it. 
3. Keep clear channels of communication open. People hire lawyers because they can’t work out a problem on their own with the other parent. Don’t hire a lawyer because you haven’t tried to discuss the dispute with the other parent. 
4. Consider mediation. If a dispute arises around the plan and you can’t work it out directly with the other parent, consider using county or private mediation.
5. Put the children first.  I believe that if all parents repeated the mantra “put the children first” it would substantially reduce the number of enforcement motions we file.  Pay attention to their emotional needs. Don’t make them be a messenger between households.
6. Be reasonable and flexible.  Is the other parent being 10 minutes late at an exchange really worth getting back into court? Traffic and life happens.
7. Consider using communication software.  We previously blogged (see post here) about the parenting time software called OurFamilyWizard. If you have a hard time communicating about the parenting plan, this program may help.
8. Manage your own anger. If you can’t let go of anger from the divorce, you are going to have trouble putting the kids first. Consider getting counseling.  When you are relaxed, the kids can relax.  Don’t be so angry that the kids have to parent you!
9. Allow the kids to love both parents.You are going to have separate households. Kids need  a supportive environment to deal with the reality of two households.  Speak positively of your ex around the kids.  Be supportive of their relationship with the other parent. Create an environment free from inter-parental hostility.
10. Get input from the kids about the schedule and share it with the other parent.  Older children should be able to  to give input about the parenting schedule.  This is their life you are organizing.  Listening, sharing the information, and cooperatively making adjustments can avoid unnecessary litigation over a broken parenting plan.

1. Hire an experienced divorce attorney. There is no substitute for help from a lawyer that is familiar with divorce and family law, the judges, and the procedure. Family law is a specialty, and you would likely be better served by a lawyer that only practices family law. Make sure the focus of your lawyer’s practice is family law.
2. Consider different approaches to your case. There are many was to finalize your divorce case. The courtroom is a way, but frequently not the best way to resolve your case. You should consider what approaches may work for your case other than traditional litigation. Consider a collaborative law case with a lawyer trained in collaborative law. Note that both lawyers must have special training to conduct a collaborative law case. Consider individual or attorney guided mediation prior to or in lieu of court.
3. Document, Document, Document! Your lawyer and the other side will want paper documentation of debts, assets, financial holdings, valuables, pensions, real estate, stock options, and basically any asset either party owns. Make copies of your titles, policies, deeds, and important records. You and your lawyer will need them.
4. Promptly exchange discovery. Once a divorce case is filed, both sides have “discovery power.” You have the right to see the other side’s financial documentation, and the other side as the right to see yours. Many cases bog down and legal fees go up when one side does not timely or completely produce documentation. You can avoid a motion to compel production and lower your costs by getting your documentation to your lawyer sooner rather than later.
5. Work with your lawyer on a proposed division of property. After you have all of the information on assets and finances, work with your lawyer to analyze the property distribution and determine an appropriate amount of spousal support. In Oregon, divorcing parties are required to exchange a proposed distribution of assets. In our experience, lawyers exchange the proposed distribution to late in the case for maximum benefit. Good divorce lawyers model property distributions starting day one. Help your lawyer prepare and perfect the spreadsheet.
   
6. Take reasonable positions and set realistic goals. It is hard to succeed in a divorce if your goal is something the court will not give you. After analysis, both lawyers can usually determine a range within which the court will likely rule. You may be well served to pick a position within that range, rather than outside it. If your lawyer is encouraging to you to take a too sharp position, be ware. Frequently the only beneficiary is the lawyer. In determining if you should pay the other side’s attorney fees after trial, the court can scrutinize whether your positions were reasonable. If not, you may end up paying your lawyer and your spouses.
7. Treat your case decisions as business decisions. It is really hard to treat your case objectively when you are in the middle of it. This is the reason why divorce lawyers hire divorce lawyers to represent them. Listen to your lawyer’s objective opinion, and try to base your decisions on the property distribution spreadsheet, and not your emotions. If you can buy the lamp at Ikea for $14, don’t make the emotional decision to spend $1000 in legal fees fighting over it.
   
8. Obtain and or Maintain independent credit. Your ability to borrow will help in your post divorce life. Many times people’s credit suffers because there is no plan in place to address joint debt, and payments get missed. Other times, a couple will have only used one party’s credit during the marriage. Prior to or during the divorce, if you don’t already have it, obtain and maintain credit separate from your spouse
9. Promptly take the parenting class, and take the message to heart. We previously blogged about Oregon’s parenting class requirement. Register for the class at your first opportunity, and listen. You and your your children will do better in your case by keeping the kids out of the middle. Guess what the court thinks of parents that want custody but have not taken the class?
10. Stay strong. In the midst of a hotly contested divorce case, it may be hard to picture your life after the stress and conflict is over. Stay strong. Don’t give in to unhealthy stress relief, like alcohol. Go to the gym and work out. Rally your friends for moral support. Take some special time with your kids. If you need the professional help of a therapist, don’t hesitate to get it. Take care of yourself during the process, and the process will take less of a toll on you.
    

1. Talk to them about the case. The last thing they need to hear is that mom and dad are involved in a legal dispute. The first thing they need to hear is that mom and dad both love them very much.
2. Use them as pawns in the battle against your spouse. The kids are not weapons. Don’t make a frivolous custody or parenting time claim to gain leverage in financial negotiations. Whatever you think you may gain, your children will lose.
3. Use them as your therapist, or treat them as your peers. If you need a therapist or need counseling, seek a professional rather than involving your children in your turmoil.
4. Put your spouse down in front of the kids. Divorce and custody disputes can be bitter. Emotions can run high. No matter your frustrations with the other parent, don’t put them down in front of the kids. You are not only harming your case, you are harming your children.
5. Turn your children in to messengers. The parents are the adults. Send the kids the correct message and talk and problem solve with the other parent directly.
6. Grill your children about what is happening at the other parent’s home. You may not live under the same roof, and may be curious about what he or she is up to. Questions about whether mom or dad is dating, what hours they keep, and what happened, blow by blow, on the visit send the wrong message to the kids, custody evaluator, and court. You will satisfy your curiosity at the expense of your children and your case.
7. Ask the kids to take sides. Asking a child to tell the court, custody evaluator, or children’s attorney that they want to live with you enmeshes the kids in an adult process. Don’t do it. Some judges and evaluators think it is child abuse.
8. Make the children feel disloyal for enjoying time with the other parent. Oregon’s statutory policy is that kids are better off having wholesome and frequent contact with both parents, if the parents are fit.
9. Sabotage the other parent. Don’t purposely forget important clothing or gear when we are going to our other parent’s place. Don’t forget the coat on the ski trip. Do you think you will look better in court because your son or daughter was cold on the ski trip because they didn’t have their coat? (which was in your possession.)
10. Ask the kids to keep secrets from the other parent. You may think you are bettering your position, but the children’s attorney, custody evaluator, and judge will think differently. Don’t put the kids in the middle, and don’t pit them against the other party by asking them to keep secrets.

1. How experienced are you in family law? All lawyers have law degrees, but many lawyers practice in several fields other than family law. You don’t want a generalist. Family law is a specialized field, and you will likely be better served by a lawyer who focuses on family law. Make sure that most of their cases are family law cases. Ask the lawyer if they have handled cases like yours before.
2. What steps are involved in the divorce process? Your lawyer is there to educate you and guide you through the process. Have the lawyer clearly explain the process to you, from filing the petition, negotiating temporary orders, and the trial process.
3. How will you charge me? If you hire the lawyer, you should expect to sign a retainer agreement that covers how you will be charged. Ask about the hourly rate, and how often you will be billed. Ask if you will be charged for time spent with paralegals and other staff in the office, and at what rate. Ask what will happen if you cannot pay your bill in full every month. Ask if you can pay by credit card, and if payment plans are available.
4. How will we communicate? Ask your lawyer if they prefer phone contact over email, and how long you should expect to wait for a return call. Is your lawyer tech savvy enough to email you draft documents as PDF files? Is your lawyer’s office set up to scan and email incoming and outgoing correspondence? Do you automatically get a copy? The last three are essential if you live out of state, or a distance from your lawyer’s office. Lawyers ta
5. How long will the process take? Ask your lawyer about what is their estimate for how long the case will take depending on if you settle quickly, settle after protracted negotiations, or have a trial.
6. Can you estimate the cost of my divorce? This is an important question, but a very difficult one to answer. Don’t worry if your lawyer is hesitant to answer. The cost of a divorce depends on what you ask the lawyer to do, the level of conflict between you and your spouse, and the reasonableness of your spouse and their lawyer. Many of the cost factors are outside your control.
7. What kind of resources do you make available to clients to make the divorce process less difficult and painful? Divorce is a difficult time, and good lawyers provide information and resources to help deal with the human side of the impact. Does your lawyer provide information about the process for self education? Are they patient with you? Do they offer referrals to other professional services if you request them? Our firm provides information through this blog, and educational articles on our website. We also maintain a list of recommended reading materials, and a list of qualified counselors and therapists for those who ask.
8. Do you recommend mediation? Ask your lawyer if your case is appropriate for mediation. Ask about private mediation, and about how often the lawyer uses private mediation with clients. Good lawyers try to settle their cases once they have analyzed the case. A lawyer that does not use private mediation or other alternative dispute resolution tools may be doing you a disservice.
9. What fees and costs can I expect other than charges for your time? Your local county (Multnomah, Washington, Clackamas, etc.) will charge a filing fee to open a case. You will likely have to pay a process server to server your spouse with divorce papers. Your case may require experts, such as appraisers, actuaries, accountants, social workers, or psychologists. Ask your lawyer what costs to expect, what experts may be needed, and how you will be charged for these additional services.
10. How would you predict a judge would rule on the issues in my case? While no lawyer can guarantee specific results, listen closely to the analysis behind the lawyer’s answer. Understanding the facts that would make a favorable ruling more likely will help with strategy during the case.

During your divorce, you should NOT:

1. Lie to your lawyer: We are here to help you. Your communication with us is privileged, meaning we can’t tell others about it, except in certain child abuse scenarios. The more we know, the more we can help. We need to know everything, the embarrassing, the ugly, and the secret. If you have a drug, alcohol, or gambling problem, tell us. You have two options: (1) Disclose and likely hear from your lawyer that your secret or problem is irrelevant to the court process, or (2) Fail to disclose and have your case hurt at trial because the other lawyer knows facts you haven’t told your lawyer.

2. Lie to the court: If you have a trial, the result is directly affected by your credibility. Judges are generally experts at determining who is telling the truth, and who is lying. Not only is lying to the court a crime, but your lawyer may have a duty to stop the proceeding and tell the court if he or she knows you are misrepresenting facts! If you have areas of your case that are sensitive, work with your lawyer on what you are going to say, but don’t misrepresent.

3. Involve the kids in the process: If your case involves a custody or parenting time dispute, nothing will draw the wrath of the court faster than involving your kids in the dispute. Don’t talk to them about the case. Don’t use them as pawns in the battle against your spouse. Don’t use them as your therapist, or treat them as your peers. Don’t put your spouse down in front of the kids. You are not only harming your case, you are harming your children.

4. Hide or fail to produce documents: You have an absolute right to see your spouse’s financial documents. Your spouse has an absolute right to see your financial documents. I have seen many cases that could have been simple turn complex and expensive when someone decides to not voluntarily produce records. The court can force you to produce records, and order that you pay your spouse’s lawyer fees incurred in getting the records. Good clients and good lawyers produce documents quickly and voluntarily. I had a case where we asked for some email records from the other side. They did not produce them, and when we filed a motion to compel their production, they tried to tell the court that they had been destroyed. The stunt seriously impacted the opposing lawyer’s credibility with the court.

5. Refuse to cooperate with a court appointed expert: In divorce and custody cases, experts called “custody evaluators” are routinely appointed to gather information about a family and make a recommendation regarding an appropriate parenting plan. If one is appointed in your case, cooperate. Be on time for appointments. Treat the expert with appropriate respect. Ignoring the requests of the evaluator can seriously harm your position and credibility with the court. An evaluator will likely make negative assumptions about you if you cannot comply with a court’s order to cooperate.

6. Settle without analyzing your case: Divorce can be unpleasant and emotionally painful. One reaction is to try to get it over quickly. Do not give into the urge to be done with the case before you have a full understanding of the assets and what a fair distribution looks like. You don’t want to be in a position where you are contemplating settlement and your spouse knows more about the assets than you. Prepare and go over a proposed distribution of assets and liabilities with your lawyer. Make sure you know the nature and extent of the assets, and get additional discovery if you don’t. Do not settle prematurely, before you know what is fair.

7. Fail to try to resolve the case outside of court: Don’t settle early without analysis, but also don’t fail to try to settle. Good lawyers and reasonable people settle most divorce cases without a trial. Many clients benefit from mediation, either through the county courthouse or through a private mediator. Our experience has been that many very difficult cases settle in mediation with the guidance of a trained expert mediator. You should always consult with your lawyer during the process to make sure you are getting a fair result. Settling also means you choose the outcome rather than have a judge impose an outcome on you. Parties that settle are generally happier long term, and have less ongoing conflict. Even if the other side is unreasonable, you should still make an offer to create a record of your position.

8. Take out your stress in unhealthy ways: This is the wrong time to up the drinking or other unhealthy behavior. Expect stress from the conflict and plan for it. Take out your stress in healthy ways, like at the gym, sports, or in talking to friends or a counselor. Don’t take it out on your children, or your body through unhealthy behaviors.

9. Be economically irrational in negotiations: At some point in every case it costs more to continue arguing than what is at stake. Approach your case with a business like mind. Are you really winning if you spend $1000 on lawyers to argue over a $50 lamp? Some (bad) lawyers insist on arguing about every point, without regard to cost. Every issue is a new battle front. A request to resolve one issue results in two more contested issues. In our opinion, these lawyers don’t serve their clients well. Pick your battles. If it costs $1000 to argue over something you can replace at Target for $20, buy a new one, and focus on what is really important.

10. Be your own lawyer if your case is contested and your spouse is represented: Many judges dislike unrepresented parties. Even experienced divorce lawyers hire experienced divorce lawyers for an objective opinion. Many unrepresented people who think they have a great case find out otherwise after a judge rules against them because they can’t tell the judge everything they want to because of the rules of evidence. If you disagree over property or custody, and your spouse has a lawyer, seek representation.

1. Consider your other options: While not appropriate in every case, consider if you really want to be divorced. If not, talk to a marriage counselor or other professional who can explore saving your marriage. If the process works, great! If the process does not work, you can at least get help discovering what went wrong, how to cope, and how best to move on.
2. Consult with and retain a family law attorney: Clients often make strategic mistakes prior to filing. For example, moving out of the family home, even briefly, can impact a custody and parenting time case. We blogged about the difference between consulting a lawyer and retaining a lawyer before. Make sure you at least consult so you know your rights, and how to avoid shooting yourself in the foot.
3. Copy documents: Your case will be smoother and your fees lower if you have a copy of all essential documents to provide to your lawyer. Obtain copies of pay stubs, tax returns, retirement account statements, bank statements, car and boat titles, real estate documents, insurance polices, etc. If you or your spouse uses financial software to track expenses, save a copy of the file.
4. Inventory your personal property: Go room to room and make a list of major items of value. You do not need to inventory every muffin tin, but you may end up out of the house for a period of months while the case progresses, and you may forget what is there.
5. Get a copy of your credit reports: Getting a credit report is very useful in identifying debt, accounts, and what accounts are open and closed. Pull a copy of your report from each of the three credit bureaus or a tri-merge report and your lawyer will thank you.
6. Establish your own credit and source of funds: If you do not have credit in your own name, apply for them and get several. You will need to establish your own separate credit history, and do not want to be in the position of having your access to funds cut off. If there is a joint cash account, consider splitting it and transferring ½ to a separate account in your sole name.
7. Keep the kids out of it: Getting ready for a divorce can take lots of time and energy. Make sure the kids don’t suffer any more than necessary by making them the first priority. Do not put them in the middle. Do not argue in front of them. Do not badmouth your spouse in front of the kids. Keep their routines as normal as you can. Stay connected (or get connected) to their activities at school and after school. Courts take a dim view parents that put kids in the middle of the conflict. Just don’t do it.
8. Know your finances: Make sure you know what you make and are capable of making, what your spouse makes and is capable of making, and where the money goes each month. What are the credit cards? How much is owed? Where are the retirement accounts? Can you earn enough in your current job or will you need your spouse to support you for a period of time? If your job involves travel, will you need a different job without travel if you don’t have a spouse to watch the kids while you are gone? The more you know about the finances the easier it will be to communicate with your lawyer. Knowing the finances and having a plan helps put you in the best position after the divorce is over.
9. Manage debt: This could be the worst time to increase your debt level. Unless your lawyer tells you otherwise, don’t make major purchases. Don’t go on shopping sprees. Some lawyers advise their clients to contact joint creditors and have accounts closed, or limits reduced to prevent the accumulation of new debt during the divorce.
10. Take care of yourself: Divorce can be a very stressful experience. Take care of yourself, even before anyone files. Work out. Find a support group, either through your friends or a formal divorce support group. Consider getting counseling. Many clients choose to get into counseling to help with the process, and report back that it was helpful.